It's beginning to look a lot like....

Wedding season.

The STDs are rolling in (that's Save The Dates for those of you sickos with your minds in the gutter).  The fridge in our apartment is heavily decorated with this announcements of love.  This excites me very much for there mere fact that weddings provide us white guys with an excuse to hit the dance floor.  Everybody knows that the 3 keys to a good wedding are 1) open bar, 2) good band, 3) multiple dance offs.  I love the wedding dance scene.  You show up at the reception pop a few shrimp and brewskis and hit the hardwood.

I am a little nervous this year because I let my dancin' skillz get a little rusty.  I only saw one wedding last year so I need to dust off the cobwebs.  In order to do this I will be flying to Norway to meet up with this little guy.  Can you imagine dropping these moves on the bride's single lady friends?!  They stand no chance.  Thanks for coming out.

I'd prefer to pay full price....

Much like thousands of our readers, I receive daily emails from Groupon informing me of unbeatable deals in my area.  More often than not I simply glance at the potential deal and accompanying savings and decide  that I am not interested.  I won't lie, I am often tempted to pull the trigger, but I never really do.  Though, these daily emails have helped me to learn that there are about 600,000 places in NYC willing to sell cupcakes at extremely discounted prices.  But I received a daily Groupon email recently which I decided was an absolute no-go.  Some place just outside the city was slinging 50% off skydiving adventures.  Thanks but no thanks.  I think I would rather pay full price for that one.

So I get to thinking; what else do I not want at discount prices?  Well, another example which is often forced upon the typical New Yorker is sushi.  I DO NOT want discount sushi.  The money you save on your cheapo spicy tuna rolls will 100% be spent on extra rolls of toilet paper after you come down with a violent case of the BTUs (Butt Throw Ups).  It's just not worth it.  

How about condoms?  Full price please.  Have you ever seen a clearance sale for love gloves at the local pharmacy?  Me neither, but if I did I would not be enticed.  One day your are saving 5 bucks on a 12-pack of Trojan ribbed and the next day your spending $20 bucks on penicillin to rid yourself of those pesky little love bumps.  Or more extreme, you just saved $5 to become a daddy.  Yikes!  College is like $250,000 these days.  In the words of Tony Soprano, "fuggedaboutit."

Is this guy my hero or does he disgust me? (He's my hero)

...American sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting has proved his critics wrong and has broken the Guinness World Record for Heaviest Person to Complete a Marathon...
Full Article


I know this article is a day old here but I could not let it go without a few comments.  I'll be honest, when I first read this I hated this guy.  He gets a Guinness World Record (something I have always wanted, obviously) for being lazy.  Right?  He basically walked his fatness around for 9 hours and now he is in the record books.


What really set me off here is that this guy was 190 lbs in high school and 200 in college.  He didn't even attain/maintain his freshman 15.  And 200 lbs is not fat.  Say he is your average 5'10" 200lbs.  Sure he might be a little soft around the edges but he is a few short weeks in the gym from a solid 185.  But our man, Kelly, takes this one in the complete opposite direction.  HE BECAME A SUMO WRESTLER!  He said, "forget this, I'm not losing no 15 pounds.  I'm going to become a professional fatty."  I was disgusted.  What a lazy POS.


Anyway, I kept reading and our hero here really turned my opinion with one simple quote..."‘I married my wife at 205 pounds,’ he said, eating a fried chicken sandwich, a mushroom cheeseburger and a massive portion of French fries. ‘Suddenly, jeez, I didn't need to attract anyone. I just kind of let myself go,’ he added."  BRILLIANT!

That's it.  All you have to do is get married and then you can do whatever you want.  When I get married I am just going to let it all go.  No bathing, no shaving, no exercise.  Having a wedding band gives you carte blanche to slob around.  Done and done.  Where do I sign?

But seriously, that's a joke.  This guy needs to get his act together.  And there is no way his doctor actually tells him he is in good health.

Why is Duke Always So Good?

Duke is considered to be one of the elite basketball programs in NCAA history. They are the fourth-winningest basketball team in Division I history and have won four national championships under Coach K. They have the pick of the litter in each years recruiting classes and never seem to have a down year. I hate Duke. This hatred has me asking the question, how is Duke always so good? Is it Coach K? Is it the Cameron Crazies? Is it the allure of the Duke program? These factors contribute for sure, but the biggest reason why Duke is successful? They consistently manage to put the ugliest players on the court, players that strike fear and general disgust in their opposition. Please allow me to elaborate.......

Carlos Boozer - Yowza!

Kyle Singler - Yuck!

Sheldon Williams..... Gross

Can you imagine lining up against one of these guys?

Here Comes the Most Annoying Guy in Your Office

I got some bad news for my friends out there who make their living inside an office (like yours truly).  Despite the joy and excitement that the annual bonanza that is March Madness provides, it also brings out one of the most annoying guys in the office.  This is, of course, the guy who insists on telling you how every game has affected/will affect his bracket.  What makes it worse is that we already have had a big upset with the (13)Morehead St./(4)Louisville upset.  This hack is going to inevitably tell you how far he had Louisville going in the tournament.

We get it!  You had the Cardinals going to the Sweet 16!  I DON'T CARE!!!!  I also don't care that thanks to a buzzer beater you squeaked by with your Butler pick over Old Dominion.  SHUT UP.  Let me finish my TPS reports in peace.  Listen, I will go the bar and watch the games with you, but you cannot give me a play-by-play of your bracket.

NCAA - Richmond vs Vandy

Here's the thing, I just got home from my office. I turn on the TV to relax and enjoy this game. I've been watching hoops piecemeal all day between people showing me iphones, ipads, interweb, lunch break at the Perfect Pint which all just made the afternoon drag even worse. (although the PP it wasn't my scene, still seemed like a lot more fun that real estate accounting.) Anyway, what I don't need is to keep seeing this Richmond logo on the screen:

The thing is just a little too real, no? Not only is it a pretty realistic spider but they even have the little jaws or teeth on the head. Plain and simple, I don't want to be reminded of how creepy and terrifying spiders are during the game. I say, keep the spider mascot but let's lighten that logo up a bit:

March Madness

The greatest tournament in the world is upon us friends. It is 3:00 Eastern, I am currently sipping on my second adult beverage and I've survived the first group of games with my bracket intact. There are some changes to coverage of this years tournament that I wanted to talk about. In years past, games were televised on CBS only. While they always did a stand up job in bringing you to games that were close, you were still forced into watching games that the suits at CBS deemed as the "most watchable." Changes were made for this years tournament and let me tell you, it's glorious. Games are now shown on CBS, TNT, TBS & TruTV (what?). They have staggered the games so there is a game to watch from opening tip at noon until the final game ending past midnight. I'm absolutely loving this. While I've found myself getting a bit trigger happy with the remote, preventing me from "getting into" one particular game, at least we now have the opportunity to watch the games we are interested in. Great job NCAA, you've made a great event even better.

Ice Cream Risk: Take It

If you're over the age of sixteen, it's time to stop asking for flavor samples when choosing ice cream. At this point in your life, if you aren't able to take a chance on the Snickers Tasti D-Lite (it's fantastic) then where are you getting your thrills? And I don't feel like standing in line waiting for you to lick thirty one pink baby spoons on your way to mint chocolate chip, you predictable bastard. Take a risk on that german chocolate cake and move on.

I want this!

I saw this beauty while walking around the upper east the other day.  I knew immediately that I had to have her.  Look how she glistens just standing their in her long black trench coat in the middle of the crosswalk.  Wait.....What?!

No, but seriously this car is sicky.  Why did they not become more popular after my man, Michael J. Fox, used to take them up to 88 and go back in time to make out with his mom?  I'm sure there is a reason like they didn't go fast or chicks didn't actually dig the way the doors open but I don't really care to research that.  The Delorean is making a comeback and I want to be first in line.  They probably aren't too fuel efficient which might upset the hippies, but that is a price I am willing to pay.

How much would you pay for this?  $80K?  $100K????  Yahoo is telling me mid 20s to mid 30s.  Don't mind if I do.... (but we know I won't).

Vedder + Uke = YKW...Y!

(click image for link to this sweet tune)
Thanks to the J-man for bringing to our attention

Haha! Business!

I just think that this picture needs to be shared.  Nothing more than that.  I keep a poster of this in my room and it is what gets me out of bed in the morning (I know you probably think that I am a full time blogger, but I actually have a day job.  I guess you can call me a business man).

What's going on here?  Do we have a guy making a deal?  You know, ABCing?  Or do you think he just found out they are moving his desk closer to the one attractive girl in the office?  It has to be one of the two, right?

Hot 'n Cold - The story of SNL

Let me start off by saying that I am a big fan of Saturday Night Live.  I've always enjoyed the hour and a half of entertainment it provides.  Much to the chagrin of my roommates I have the DVR set to record the weekly episodes which I often then watch on Sunday mornings (What?  You think I stay in on Saturday nights?  COME ON!)

As big of a fan as I am, I can and will be the first to admit that the show does not always provide the laugh-out-loud humor I am looking for.  I will say that I am enjoying the current cast, especially with the presence of heavyweights Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Jason Sudeakis and Andy Samberg.  Lorne Michaels has also complemented the cast nicely in recent years with the additions of Abby Elliott and Nasim Pedrad,  just to name a few.

The hosts always play an integral part in the show and can often make or break the 90 minutes.  Last week SNL had Miley Cyrus as their guest host.  I'll be honest I was dreading the viewing, but I was pleasantly surprised.  I still refuse to give her credit as a person, but kudos to you Miley for a solid SNL performance.

Much unlike Ms. Cyrus, Zach Galifianakis had me geared up for non-stop comedy.  Unfortunately, I found the episode difficult to get through.  This is in stark contrast to his first performance as host last year.  That was gold, my friends, gold.  One bright spot from last night (3/12/11) was Mr. Galifianakis' monologue.  I have watched it twice now and cannot get enough.  Have yourself a little look:

If the bust suits over at NBC get their greedy little mitts on that youtube clip you can always CLICK HERE and just skip ahead to around the 7:00 minute mark.

Bar Review - Death and Company

Death and Company is a speak-easy type bar in the East Village with an extensive drink menu and a limited offering of small plates. It's one of these places that has no signage, just a tall guy standing outside the door who will take your phone number and call you once a table is ready. Obviously at a hip joint like this one they won't be giving you any ideas about how long the wait might be so you're stuck wandering around trying to decide how long to wait before eating somewhere else. If you do hang in there and get called in, you'll be enjoying a few stiff drinks and some strong apps.

Slap n' Pickle
This gin based drink includes muddled cucumber and ends up having a subtle pickle flavor. If you're a pickle fan it's fantastic.

North Garden
This strong cocktail is based with applejack, bourbon, and scotch and has been the root of overindulgence on several nights. Also, it is served with one huge ice cube which I like very much.

Hot Lips
One problem I have with this place is you have very little idea of what your drink is going to look like. I may have been asking for it when ordering a drink with this name but had I known it would be pale yellow, come in a tiny glass and make me look like a fool, I would have skipped it. They should have some tell as to whether or not a guy should be ordering these things to avoid this kind of embarrassment. Having said that, it tasted like tequila and cayenne pepper and was not a favorite.

Jive Turkey / Koko B Ware
Haven't had either but great names for drinks although some may feel Jive Turkey is a little over the line.

Food
Truffle macaroni and cheese is served on seven or eight individual spoons and tastes great but is a little awkward if you happen to be on an early in the game date and neither of you want to look like a fat ass. The lobster sliders are solid although I am not a lobster roll aficionado, I think they hold up well against the real thing. The tuna and fillet mignon could be boring but are both executed well enough to make for a good order and the crispy pork belly is a nice choice as well.

It seems like every trendy spot has pork belly on the menu in some way or another, which is not a bad thing but it's one of those things that the "foodies" flock to. For the record, I enjoy the hell out of a good meal but do not consider myself a foodie because I find them somewhat irritating. Therefore you won't find any pictures of the food above because I can't bring myself to whip out a camera in the middle of dinner and take money shots of bacon. Also, I don't use the term "goodness" because it makes me cringe.

Death and Company
433 E 6th Street
http://www.deathandcompany.com

The Jersey Shore

I'll be the first to say that the 2nd season of the Jersey Shore was a bust. While the idea of filming a season in Miami looked good on paper, the cast of "Gorilla Juice-heads & Guidettes" were obviously out of their element in South Beach. Luckily, season 3 is back in Seaside and they have toooootally redeemed themselves! (name that movie reference)....

Why has Season 3 been a must watch? The dysfunctional, abusive, annoying but entertaining relationship between Ronnie & Sammie for one. I've never seen 2 people who go absolute psycho on each other one day (see photo's below) and the next day they are both crying telling each other how much they love one another. It makes for excellent television. I also really enjoy the commentary of DJ Pauly D during the entire season, he's pretty much my go to cast member. He's hilarious.

MTV plans to do film next season in Italy. I don't expect much but maybe they'll surprise us. I'm just waiting for next summer when they get these animals back in their natural habitat.

No Shame

Unless you watch it, the best show on television you are not watching is Shameless.  This little gem runs on Sunday nights on Showtime (but I much prefer the Monday or Tuesday on demand).  Much like the brilliance that brought The Office from Slough to Scranton, Shameless began in the UK and now has been Americanized.  

The series follows the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves. (yes, that is from Wikipedia)

There is no denying it, the show has some heavy themes.  I won't mention any names but I caught my roommate secretly shedding a tear to an episode recently.  But there is also an element of comedy and action encrusted in the story line.  If you are someone who enjoys some serious character development, then this has to be your next stop.  

If you have Showtime you need to check it out.  If you don't have Showtime I 100% recommend treating yourself for the additional $7 a month.  And if you're too cheap to pay the $7, just call Time Warner and tell them you have had spotty service.  They will run you through a quick BS fix process then give you free Showtime for your "inconvenience." 

Here is the trailer......

Don't want to do it; have to do it

There is so much else to discuss right now and I know that this has been all over the internet.  I didn't really want to bring this up, but in good faith I can't really let this go.  This is a joke, right?  Maybe some sort of protest on behalf of the players union?  Seriously, I have nothing.  If you have some sort of idea please let me know.  Leave a comment, send an email, call me; I don't care.

Why is this picture not more famous? Seriously?

I stumbled across this photo a few years ago.  It was actually brought to my attention by a good friend while in college.  I'll call him 'Jim.'  Anyhow, this picture has it all:  1) a super sexy super model, 2) a roller coaster, and 3) a woman laughing at a super model for getting hit in the face by a bird while riding said roller coaster.

I mean in today's society I would at least expect to see this as a large number of people's facebook profile pictures...right?  I guess everyone is too busy quoting Charlie Sheen like it is still fun and interesting.  We get it...you think you are winning but you will be dead in 6 months.  It's HILARIOUS!!!!!

Anyway, this is what all the chatter should really be about:

The Week in Sports.... Welcome!

Welcome to the first edition of The Week in Sports with Brian. I love sports, if I wasn’t on track to make millions on Wall Street, I would consider a career in sports. Who are my teams? NFL – Jets. Like all of my fellow Jet fans, I have been trained to expect collapse. Everything will go wrong, and it usually does. BUT, I love them and will continue to crawl back year after year with the faint hope that “things will be different this time.” MLB – Yankees. They have won 5 World Series in my lifetime, and while I worry about George’s degenerate sons running the franchise (and tightening that loose Steinbrenner wallet we’ve all grown so accustomed to), I’m confident that success will continue. To all you Yankee haters out there that argue that the Yankees win only because they spend….I have no defense here except to say that 1) There is no salary cap so deal with it & 2) while they have handed out some questionable contracts (Kevin Brown & Carl Pavano), they have been pretty smart with their personnel decisions. Money doesn’t always buy success in this sport (see the New York Mets). NBA – Casual fan with no true alliance. I live in New York and love seeing the Knicks beginning to become relevant again…. it’s good for NYC and it’s good for the NBA. But, I’m not going to claim to be a huge fan just because Melo and Amare came to town. College Sports – I’m a graduate of The University of Maryland so follow all things Terps but haven’t had much to cheer about in recent years. I’m a huge SEC football fan… nothing better than sitting down on a Saturday afternoon and watching Alabama-Auburn on CBS. NHL – I don’t watch it and will never mention the sport again in this blog – it’s an inferior product and there’s nothing else to discuss here. Finally, big golf fan… Masters weekend is clearly in the top 3 sports weekends of the year (following NFL’s divisional weekend & the first weekend of the NCAA’s).

Alright so we’ve survived February, which is by far the most depressing sports month of the year. Football is over so instead of nursing a hangover with a day full of NFL games, you’re forced into watching trashy reality TV and checking out the latest in adult entertainment that the web has to offer…. Ok maybe it isn’t so bad but you’d still rather be watching a game. The NBA is right in the middle of its marathon season and college ball starts to get good but not tournament good. So March is here, the weather is starting to turn (reminding all warm blooded males that the first “skirt day” is almost upon us) and the greatest sports tournament in the world is only a week away. By the way, don’t give me that “come on man, the World Cup is the best tournament in the world”…… We get it, your parents were afraid you’d get hurt in football so you played soccer and only complied because you enjoyed the orange slices after the games. We get it.

Let’s talk a bit about conference tournaments and leave the NCAA’s for next week. The Big East Tourney is by far the best of the bunch and is so every year. I look at the other conferences and it’s obvious that they are all relatively top heavy: The ACC (Duke & Carolina), the Big 12 (Texas & Kansas), the SEC (Florida & Alabama) and the Pac 10 (Arizona & UCLA). The Big East? No doubt there are some quality squads at the top (PITT, ND, LVILLE & CUSE), but there are 11 teams that I can see winning this thing. And this isn’t a fluke, it’s like this every year. Some people say that navigating your way through this field every year is just as tough as winning the NCAA tournament. It’s that good. Throw in the fact that it’s held at the Garden and you’ve got yourself a tournament!

Here are my picks for this week:

ACC – DUKE

Pac 10 – ARIZONA

Big 12 – TEXAS

SEC – KENTUCKY

Big East – SYRACUSE

Parting shots (Yes I took this from PTI but it fits so deal with it)……. I’m already sick of the Heat and “cry-gate” – bottom line is the Heat thought they would stroll through this season but it’s obvious that until they figure out who their go to guy is in crunch time, they will continue to lose close games (I think it’s pretty obvious Wade has to be that guy). Also, I’m a huge fan of putting any word in front of “gate” when referring to anything sports related…. If nothing more than to just remind everyone that the Patriots cheated and haven’t won a championship since slimy Belicheck was exposed……..I think I’m siding with the players in this whole CBA mess but in the end I just want this thing to get figured out ASAP. We should be talking about free agency and the draft right now and not what piece of the pie the corpse of Al Davis deserves to take home (if you’re confused with this reference, click here http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/123234/AL-DAVIS.jpg ......... Enough Said.

See you next week……..

You know what...yes!

Welcome to the blog.  This will be periodically updated with bits of awesomeness.  Awesomeness can and will include jokes, pictures, videos, thoughts, riddles, links, etc.  I am also in the works of hiring a sports writer who will be doing a weekly sports beat.  This will most likely something titled "The Week in Sports with Brian."

So lets get started.  To begin I pose this question:  Do you feel more vulnerable in the shower or while standing at the urinal?  Think about it...